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I hate this. Hate this so damn much. The constant conflict, the need to connect with someone and the inability to do that. I relate to your every post. But this one is haunting me in a very scary way.
Thing is people need both community and solitude, because we’re human beings. It’s part of the contradiction of the human condition.
I discovered decades ago that how alone you feel has nothing to do with how many people you’re with.
I was also suffering from depersonalization and derealization at the time, i.e. the feeling that I was a non-existent observer of unreal people in an illusionary universe. It was quite disturbing.