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I’m afraid to feel happy for long because I know it will end so now I’m afraid of being happy. But I may as well be happy while I can
*Oof.* That one- yeah. Direct hit. I have attempted more than once, and every time it was at the tail end of something that made me happy. There were worse moments before; there were worse moments after. I feel like I could handle whatever awfulness life can throw at me… It’s like being in the eye of a hurricane; you’ve already been through the worst, but that *also* means the worst is yet to come, because there are clouds on *every* side and there is nowhere to go but right back in. Apathy? Safe. Not caring isn’t fun, but it’s a dull sword that *doesn’t* cut both ways (or any way at all). Misery- how much worse could I honestly feel? Depressed is normal, and normal is manageable.
Happiness, though? Especially if it lasts for *any* significant length of time? Hide all the sharp things and the pills. Happiness smiles and then sticks a knife in your ribs as it passes. And still, it’s the best feeling ever because it so rarely comes around, and even more rarely does it stay for long, and somehow it’s *still* worth every second just to have that weight go away, for however long it lasts.
*Huge* internet hugs.
I always have the feeling that any happiness is going to have to be paid for buy going through something.
Paul, yuh like there’s a balance which has to be kept to. I felt like that for a very long time.
Again, way too close to my reality. But I keep trying anyway.
Contentment is a valid goal…. Contentment with moments of happiness
happiness is as overrated as sex is, and as dating is, why work so very hard for “an atomic sized” moment of dopamine release, only for it to vanish without trace in light speed. it’s extremely overestimated.
tiny victories are of no value, the only value is in everlasting victories…
thanks Clay!
When it happens that I’m happy, I try to feel the most of it, do as much productive things as possible, smile, dance, and whatever. I know it may finish suddenly, unexpectedly and very soon. And yes, end up as shit even worst than average. My depression has tought me to enjoy those tiny moments to the last drop.
Oh this is so true. I’ve always been a pretty lonely person, but still enjoy other people’s company. Three years ago I started a master programme where I met many new nice people. I would enjoy there company a lot. I had a fun time with them. I would get my dopamine high with them. The problem was: It only lasted that long. Outside these common activities nobody gave a shit about me. Nobody would reach out to get together with me, while they did it with each other. Also after this happy high phase I would just crash the harder, and I would feel more lonely than ever.
One day I realized that I feel better when I don’t hang around with these people. By now I’ve quit contact to them completely. I’m still lonely, but I am pretty happy on a very low level.
Crazy thing is: For me it is better to be unhappy on a low level than being high level happy and unhappy in turns. That is just exhausting. Now I can manage my unhappiness as there are no bad surprises. Sounds insane, doesn’t it? Do find comfort in low level unhappiness…
I can never enjoy my happiness. My happiness is always riddled with anxiety because whenever I’m just content and happy being alone in my own space, some kind of family drama cuts through it like a knife. Even if I’m just in the kitchen making a snack, here comes someone complaining to me about someone else or spreading mean spirited gossip about someone else. I feel like I might not be happier away from my family, but at least I could have longer content moments without always waiting for something bad to happen.
A lot of times, I think my family is a big source of my depression, so as long as I’m around them, I can never know what real happiness is.
Hard disagree… but my happy days and moments… they will end, yes. And the ending HURTS so bad. But while it’s hurting, and I have to recover from the good times… goddamnit, I’d go through that hell again. I’m sore from those fleeting moments but it proves my life has those moments.