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reminds me of:
If the person has asked to meet with you, reply appreciatively with the assumption that he’s requesting your consulting services. Say, “I’d be happy to meet with you. I charge $X for a half-hour consultation” and list the dates you’re available. The person will likely assume you regularly provide services like these and will likely be too embarrassed to reply stating he was hoping you’d meet with him for free.
The truth is, your experience and time are both worth money. When you give that knowledge away for free, you’re devaluing it. The other person likely won’t have as much respect for it, either, since it came at no cost whatsoever.’
Esmerelda Bohème says
Meanwhile people cope with drugs, abuse and alcohol. It’s never that simple.
Kari Turner-Davis says
Esmerelda Bohème exactly. Trying to explain to people partying doesn’t equal happiness is a job unto itself
Eric Brennan says
There is no one answer for all. And yet somehow the answers given are a one-size-fits-all mentality.
Everyone here knows that. They have received useless advice.
“Oh just find something that makes you happy”
Really? And how can i enjoy it when i see other people ridiculing me for it?
“Just get outside”
Too many people, too many eyes, too much noise.
“Start a hobby”
How do you expect me to somehow sustain a hobby when i have so little energy and money to fuel it?
Sallie Burton says
And if you say out loud why you can’t do these things, or tell them that you’ve already tried it and it doesn’t work, they get exasperated or frustrated.
And even if they don’t say it, you just know they’re suspicious that you’re making it up for attention.
Which is why I always fake a smile and say “Thanks, I’ll try that.” It’s the fastest way to exit that conversation. 🙃😐🙄
start something you like …. yeah the problem is .. “something that i like” doesn’t exist.
and even if i do find something, there is no guarantee that it will help me out.
depression is not something that just makes you tired… it drains your soul and the very power from within you, you can’t just get rid of it, because it will stay with you, until it eventually gets rid of you. there is no winning with it. only losing and surviving before losing.
Márcio Araujo Mitrano says
If I wanted advice from Kratos, I’d be playing video games.
Opus the Poet says
Might as well be telling you to take up nuclear physics and mountain lifting.
Jeff Witman says
With free advice you always get what you pay for.
Sallie Burton says
Yeah, it’s kind of hard to find something you enjoy when you aren’t capable of enjoying anything.
Too many people don’t understand that depression can also look like complete and total apathy.
The things that used to make me happy, I can’t enjoy anymore. I used to draw, but between arthritis and depression, I just don’t have the inclination to draw anymore, which only makes me more depressed.
“All you need to do is try.” — If it were so easy, no one would be depressed.
What if you can’t even try?
Here’s what a depressed person hears:
“Blah blah blah You don’t do anything (You’re useless and worthless) blah blah All you need to do is try (so you’re to blame) blah blah blah”
Depression distorts thinking and perception, making everything seem worse than it really is.
“Get a hobby!”
I do. It’s gaming. And more often than not it makes me feel worse because I fail so hard at shit other players do with ease with at similar hour investments.
There is no winning.
Heard this advice a billion times, as if I don’t know it, myself. Thing is, when you have depression, you can enjoy something extremely for a few days and then fall right back into a rut. Maybe people with mild or seasonal depression can do stuff to “snap out of it”, but when you have major depression all the time, even with medicine (like myself), it always comes back. I was told I should travel because I needed a change of scenery. Okay, I actually agree with that, but what happens if I change scenery and I’m still depressed? What happens when I come back to my “normal” life?
Then, people tell you to just travel or get a hobby (but an acceptable one, of course) or exercise or eat better or whatever. It’s not that easy. You really have to motivate yourself. You have to have money, in some cases. Some depressed people don’t even have jobs because their depression is so bad, so any advice where they need money is completely useless.
JC Hale says
Ah yes, *that* advice. The sort which always seems to be offered by someone who’s convinced that because they were sad once and got over it that they’re now fully qualified to treat your chronic depression with whatever hot tip snapped them out of their funk. Sorry, you sadsplaining dolt, but it doesn’t work that way. The sappy soundwaves emanating from your flapping face hole are not going to alter my *brain chemistry.*
Want to give a person with depression advice? Get to know them and then try to make *just one thing* easier for them to do or manage- something small, maybe even something you find trivial, that you wouldn’t have noticed they were having trouble with if you hadn’t been paying attention. That’s helping. Hint: it’s the *paying attention* part that does most of the heavy lifting; just showing someone you care enough to *notice* what they’re struggling with, recognizing that it’s something a person *can* struggle with… that matters, even if your advice doesn’t work out.
Floating them some pithy feelgood one-liner is easy, sure, but it isn’t going to help. If that’s all you can offer, don’t get involved at all- because I guaran-frelling-tee that you’re going to make that person’s depression *worse* by dropping some mass-market wisdom from a stale fortune cookie in their lap and walking off. All that does is tell them that they’re as worthless and disposable as your advice.
He’s right, though. Depression is a disease of our first-world, rat race, plugged-in lifestyles; it’s virtually unheard of in modern hunter-gatherer subsistence societies. Being and staying active, getting outside to get sunshine and fresh air, and keeping yourself productively occupied without exhausting yourself are all part of keeping it at bay. It’s not the whole picture, and of course it’s not that easy to make it happen and people’s experiences of depression and what works will differ, but never to such a degree that this isn’t still good general advice. Depressed guy is being a little too dismissive even if he hears it all the time; this guy’s advice is hardly worth nothing.
Yeah, back then they called depression “demonic possession” (https://www.verywellmind.com/who-discovered-depression-1066770). Just because they didn’t understand an illness doesn’t mean it didn’t exist.