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talking from experience … in the society “depressed people” are seen as attention hoarders “narcissistic sick creatures who live on attention” and nothing else.
in the medical industry “depressed people” aren’t ONLY insane but also the easiest cash ruptcy that can be exploited to the maximum plus we are the most overused drug testing subjects… if you can’t use this try this, and for this side effects try that, and so on.
and for our families … “shaming my head” we aren’t more than lazy overweights with nothing to do nothing to get from and nothing to obtain or to build up. we are basically seen as a waste of space and time and breathe and existence.
and what are we to ourselves? 1 of 2:
1- limitless potentials of unused and uninvested energies that need support to ignite and become something else altogether..
2- a major failure created by toxic failures born into a polluted failure, and living in a disastrous garbage of similar failures, because let’s face it there is no value in existing anymore.
funny enough 1 always develops into 2 because again you fight your own battles on your own. everyone else are too “busy” / have no priority for you in their mind. never did and never will
Rachel Billington says
I used to think my depression had come about later in life but things like this make it very clear I’ve always struggled and I’ve just run out of energy to try by myself.
Kat N. Kaboodle says
Good god I feel this one. I spent a week and a half in a mental hospital after an almost attempt. I reached out to a helpline and they sent help for me since I couldn’t be talked out of it. My friends and family treat me differently now like I’m a bundle of broken glass.
Keira James says
Awww fuck. Horribly relatable.
I hate looking in the mirror. This is exactly how I felt. It puts your life on a different course and there is no going back.
Nicole Lee says
I feel this. My first almost suicide, at the last minute a friend convinced me to cry for help before going through with it. It was literally at the last moment. My sister bought me a plane ticket, my brother put me on that plane, and I went crawling home to my mother. It was the WORST most devastating feeling, worse than my most recent hospitalization from an interrupted attempt, because now they KNEW. I had been hiding it well before but now everyone could see what kind of a broken human being I was. I just kept thinking “this is what failure looks like” “this is what failure smells like” “this is what failure tastes like” for a week.
Ultimately it was the best thing for me, because I got support and was pushed into getting actual help. The same with my last hospitalization. Id never have been able to even start getting better on my own, and now I have a support network. I also refuse to be quiet anymore, no more suffering and struggling in silence; I do it out loud now. I’m done feeling ashamed for something I can’t control about myself.
It’s so much harder when you’re punished for getting help. I don’t ask anymore and never see doctors. I’m on my own but I guess it teaches me to be self-reliant. I don’t have much money and my job doesn’t pay enough so I can’t afford help anyway (Insurance is a joke…etc etc)
I’m on my own now.
My one attempt was unsuccessful and went by completely unnoticed. Waking up in the morning, I felt the very things you wrote. My family knew I was sick, but not how sick. I’ve been hospitalized once for suicidal ideation, and I hope to never be sectioned again. My friend brought me to the hospital, and my mom refused to come get me out. Told me I “needed to learn my lesson”. All it taught me was that I was on my own. I now have a great therapist and a wonderful support system. I still struggle, but it’s not so hard now. Thanks for being a voice for all of us who suffer/ed in silence.
Oh, this is absolutely true and about the only thing keeping me alive right now.
Once you try and fail you now fall into the Gestapo clutches of the vermin in the Social Services. Maybe even psych evaluation and drugs..
If life was horrible before, it’s 100 times more so if you try and fail.
Fear of failing the job is about all that stops me.
(or part of the failure ending up wheelchair bound or full paraplegic in a hospital bed – and no possibility of trying again)
This is the big reason (out of 3) of why I haven’t attempted anything as of now.
The other two are that
1. I can’t decide on a method
2. Lack of energy to motivate myself,
but they’re still all tie together because if I don’t get it right, it’ll be so much worse afterwards.
Oh wow, this was a SUPER tough one! While I’ve never actually ACTED on the depressive or suicidal thoughts I feel this stigma for the depression. Not to mention after more than two decades (of apparently VERY SUCCESSFULLY, since everyone in my life was quite surprised!) hiding an eating disorder, I feel like that’s something that gets treated similar. Everyone is AWARE after you seek treatment and you’re constantly under a microscope….