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Story/Art © 2017 Clay

304 "The day I decided to die."

Recurring Characters

Published August 20, 2016 32 Comments

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Comments

  1. Elsa MartinezElsa Martinez says

    August 20, 2016 at 6:37 am

    It can be hope though

    4
    Reply
  2. lukasbrunner says

    August 20, 2016 at 6:43 am

    Wonderful. Bone-chilling wonderful. My congratulations, Clay.

    5
    Reply
  3. Luca BergamascoLuca Bergamasco says

    August 20, 2016 at 6:44 am

    Wonderful. Bone-chilling wonderful. My congratulations, Clay.

    1
    Reply
  4. Michelle FlemingMichelle Fleming says

    August 20, 2016 at 6:50 am

    Very good.

    Reply
  5. Winter ArcaneWinter Arcane says

    August 20, 2016 at 7:01 am

    When you go to bed every night for years praying you don’t wake up, it’s hard to disagree.

    2
    Reply
    • Johanna ManninenJohanna Manninen says

      August 20, 2016 at 4:02 pm

      My thoughts exactly ?

      Reply
      • Patrick Bennett says

        August 21, 2016 at 4:08 pm

        Yep I know that feeling only too well

        Reply
  6. Jingles says

    August 20, 2016 at 7:04 am

    Easily one of your most powerful strips. A great insight into suicidal thinking. Hopefully people will come to understand.

    3
    Reply
  7. Hayley EntaHayley Enta says

    August 20, 2016 at 8:16 am

    ouch

    Reply
  8. Michelle MelbyMichelle Melby says

    August 20, 2016 at 8:20 am

    Spot on…thanks for this. I’m not in this place anymore but at one point i would have done anything to end the pain.

    1
    Reply
  9. Andrew StrongAndrew Strong says

    August 20, 2016 at 10:25 am

    This hits close to home

    1
    Reply
  10. FML says

    August 20, 2016 at 11:08 am

    This one is painful to read. While I don’t remember when I first wanted to die, I do remember that feeling of freedom and relief when I made my plans on how to do it. Everyday I try to put it off, but I am convinced it definitely will happen eventually.

    2
    Reply
  11. Brian says

    August 20, 2016 at 12:48 pm

    As someone who has tried multiple times to kill himself over the years, and failed, I can vouch for this strip more than others. It’s not a permanent solution to a temporary problem, it’s a permanent solution to a permanent problem. I’m only still here because of failure. One day I won’t be.

    1
    Reply
  12. Jim WrenchJim Wrench says

    August 20, 2016 at 1:11 pm

    The perspective here is wonderful!

    Reply
  13. Jsoe EblolJsoe Eblol says

    August 20, 2016 at 1:26 pm

    It’s almost a Steve Wilson song…. #feels

    Reply
  14. Johanna ManninenJohanna Manninen says

    August 20, 2016 at 4:08 pm

    So well spot on it hurts. I wish people would understand that feeling better, maybe they’d then quit with the comments like “you just have to get a grip”, “go out for a jog”, “just be happier” :-/ (Or maybe it’s better that they don’t understand… after all, that’s not a nice feeling to be in.. )

    Reply
  15. Jay LowJay Low says

    August 20, 2016 at 7:20 pm

    It can be like a high, giddy feeling. And it’s kind of scary how calm and energy-filled you feel, especially when compared to normally feeling empty and having no energy to do anything.

    3
    Reply
  16. Jay LowJay Low says

    August 20, 2016 at 7:29 pm

    This reminds me of an episode of The Golden Girls episode “Not Another Monday” (season 5) where Sophia’s friend Martha wants to commit suicide (also right after attending another friend’s funeral) and she has an upbeat attitude and clearly explains her reasons and plans for dying to Sophia, when just the day before she was distraught about her friend’s death as well as her own health problems.

    Reply
  17. Doro MüllerDoro Müller says

    August 21, 2016 at 1:26 am

    Tommy

    Reply
    • Tommy BiebrichTommy Biebrich says

      August 21, 2016 at 2:45 am

      Can relate..

      Reply
  18. G.l.Janice BoyesG.l.Janice Boyes says

    August 21, 2016 at 7:03 am

    Having the “Plan” and the Ways and means IS liberating. For me it meant I didn’t have to do it right away. I could put it off until things got Really bad. But things got better. Still have the plan and the ways and means–don’t need to use them right now.

    1
    Reply
  19. Miserelysia says

    August 21, 2016 at 4:42 pm

    The other day I found myself realizing that I sort of assume I might just kill myself someday. And it was liberating to think that I might not have to plan for the future anymore at some point. I could just relax and live in the moment in a way that isn’t physically or psychologically possible right now no matter how many people tell me I should be doing it anyway. The only thing holding me back sometimes nowadays is the fact that I’m afraid of pain, and of what comes after death…

    2
    Reply
    • chronicmalarky says

      August 26, 2016 at 3:56 pm

      Hi, I just wanted to say I resonate with your response. I, too, have come to the realization that my life will probably end by my own hand. And I have accepted it. Before, it used to be like Clay so aptly showed in this strip, a different sort of hope. Now it’s just more about me losing patience of my misery essentially. It’s not like I actively plan it but I am caught in that limbo of knowing that right now, it will eventually come and being held back in this existence by things I know are there but do not quite touch me. If that makes sense. Hope you didn’t mind me sharing.

      1
      Reply
      • Agarax says

        September 7, 2016 at 12:53 am

        I used to think that my depression would get so bad that I would kill myself within a year or so. I used to spend hours every day trying to decide exactly how I would die. That was more than twenty years ago, and I am glad every day that I did not go through with it. If nothing else, you owe it to your future self to stay alive, in case things actually do get better.

        Reply
  20. Joann James PierceJoann James Pierce says

    August 21, 2016 at 9:25 pm

    I’m glad you are doing so much better.

    Reply
  21. chronicmalarky says

    August 26, 2016 at 4:00 pm

    This is all too real. I have been dealing with hallucinations lately, and an unreality I feel, and this fits right in. I remember feeling this when I decided, and the pain I felt when I failed. I was just hurting, there was no why, because of everything. It seems to be a hallucination, the hope that comes with making the decision. Or maybe it’s the realest thing we can feel. Isn’t a false hope still hope?

    Reply
  22. Jenny says

    November 29, 2016 at 5:12 pm

    Last year, after an 18-year-old family friend committed suicide, I broke down during her memorial service after imagining that it was me in her place and my mom being held up by her sisters just to get to the pew instead of hers. After that I cut out the idea of suicide completely. But it’s weird. Even though I’ve fought some pretty serious mental illness most my life, I had never planned to do it, or even wanted to do it. Suicide was always just this vague “yeah, that’s a possibility,” to me. But after I decided it wasn’t an option at all, I felt trapped. It feels like I’m in a crowded hallway with everyone all moving in one direction, and I’ve just been told all the emergency exits have been sealed up, so if something horrible happens, there’s no way out except to keep walking through the fire to the end. I never expected that, and I’m still not sure what to think of it.

    3
    Reply
  23. Chalupa Batman-EllieChalupa Batman-Ellie says

    December 16, 2016 at 10:58 am

    Chris this is the exact feeling I experienced years ago. That’s how I know I won’t get to that point again. Hope outweighs that feeling, and letting go [of life] no longer feels freeing.

    Reply
  24. Lu says

    December 26, 2016 at 6:26 am

    I like the last panel very much. It’s like “WARNING. It’s a trap! Depression is cheating on you!”. Illness is not only the huge suffering but also the manipulation of thoughts and sensations by the depression. The sensation of freedom is the lastest manipulation. Depression only wants to see you dead, it’s the big stalker.

    2
    Reply
    • n says

      May 5, 2017 at 11:29 pm

      I’ve been told that on reddit before. The only thing that depression wants out of you…is for you to die.

      Reply

Trackbacks

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