depression comix

Story/Art © 2017 Clay

304 "The day I decided to die."

Published 32 Comments

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  6. Easily one of your most powerful strips. A great insight into suicidal thinking. Hopefully people will come to understand.

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  10. This one is painful to read. While I don’t remember when I first wanted to die, I do remember that feeling of freedom and relief when I made my plans on how to do it. Everyday I try to put it off, but I am convinced it definitely will happen eventually.

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  11. As someone who has tried multiple times to kill himself over the years, and failed, I can vouch for this strip more than others. It’s not a permanent solution to a temporary problem, it’s a permanent solution to a permanent problem. I’m only still here because of failure. One day I won’t be.

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  14. So well spot on it hurts. I wish people would understand that feeling better, maybe they’d then quit with the comments like “you just have to get a grip”, “go out for a jog”, “just be happier” :-/ (Or maybe it’s better that they don’t understand… after all, that’s not a nice feeling to be in.. )

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  15. It can be like a high, giddy feeling. And it’s kind of scary how calm and energy-filled you feel, especially when compared to normally feeling empty and having no energy to do anything.

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  16. This reminds me of an episode of The Golden Girls episode “Not Another Monday” (season 5) where Sophia’s friend Martha wants to commit suicide (also right after attending another friend’s funeral) and she has an upbeat attitude and clearly explains her reasons and plans for dying to Sophia, when just the day before she was distraught about her friend’s death as well as her own health problems.

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  18. Having the “Plan” and the Ways and means IS liberating. For me it meant I didn’t have to do it right away. I could put it off until things got Really bad. But things got better. Still have the plan and the ways and means–don’t need to use them right now.

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  19. The other day I found myself realizing that I sort of assume I might just kill myself someday. And it was liberating to think that I might not have to plan for the future anymore at some point. I could just relax and live in the moment in a way that isn’t physically or psychologically possible right now no matter how many people tell me I should be doing it anyway. The only thing holding me back sometimes nowadays is the fact that I’m afraid of pain, and of what comes after death…

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    • Hi, I just wanted to say I resonate with your response. I, too, have come to the realization that my life will probably end by my own hand. And I have accepted it. Before, it used to be like Clay so aptly showed in this strip, a different sort of hope. Now it’s just more about me losing patience of my misery essentially. It’s not like I actively plan it but I am caught in that limbo of knowing that right now, it will eventually come and being held back in this existence by things I know are there but do not quite touch me. If that makes sense. Hope you didn’t mind me sharing.

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      • I used to think that my depression would get so bad that I would kill myself within a year or so. I used to spend hours every day trying to decide exactly how I would die. That was more than twenty years ago, and I am glad every day that I did not go through with it. If nothing else, you owe it to your future self to stay alive, in case things actually do get better.

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  21. This is all too real. I have been dealing with hallucinations lately, and an unreality I feel, and this fits right in. I remember feeling this when I decided, and the pain I felt when I failed. I was just hurting, there was no why, because of everything. It seems to be a hallucination, the hope that comes with making the decision. Or maybe it’s the realest thing we can feel. Isn’t a false hope still hope?

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  22. Last year, after an 18-year-old family friend committed suicide, I broke down during her memorial service after imagining that it was me in her place and my mom being held up by her sisters just to get to the pew instead of hers. After that I cut out the idea of suicide completely. But it’s weird. Even though I’ve fought some pretty serious mental illness most my life, I had never planned to do it, or even wanted to do it. Suicide was always just this vague “yeah, that’s a possibility,” to me. But after I decided it wasn’t an option at all, I felt trapped. It feels like I’m in a crowded hallway with everyone all moving in one direction, and I’ve just been told all the emergency exits have been sealed up, so if something horrible happens, there’s no way out except to keep walking through the fire to the end. I never expected that, and I’m still not sure what to think of it.

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  24. I like the last panel very much. It’s like “WARNING. It’s a trap! Depression is cheating on you!”. Illness is not only the huge suffering but also the manipulation of thoughts and sensations by the depression. The sensation of freedom is the lastest manipulation. Depression only wants to see you dead, it’s the big stalker.

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    • I’ve been told that on reddit before. The only thing that depression wants out of you…is for you to die.

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