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YK Greene says
At least she made it out of the house with friends. I can not honestly remember the last time I did that.
Jessica Toussaint says
This is me
Alicia Whitmire says
this is me every so often…at least, in the “inside” part
Sean Hantz says
I actually walked out of my company Xmas party years ago cuz I literally had nothing to talk to my coworkers about if we werent working. I sat silently among a group of 15 people until it became unbearable.
This one hurts, it is exactly how I feel much of the time. I have left various social events early and abruptly when I knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep it inside much longer. Something about being around a group of normal people enjoying themselves that makes the wave of despair that much bigger and more powerful.
Osman Orçun Serçe says
I was like that, I feel like… Hmmm… Like I’m getting out of the cocoon for some time now. I’m 31 by the way. It feels like I’ve missed most of my life time. And I honestly wish I could get you. I mean if you were in Ankara, or I was in the city of yours. I’m sure you’re all kinda good ppl and I’ve somethings to learn from yo’all. And in return I would give you my friendship on those sleepless nights or those home alone days. I still feel like I’m ill in a way, not cured completely, but I think I understand how you feel and I don’t feel like that anymore, at least most of the time. The feelings comes sometimes but I can force them away, sometimes with the help of some friends, even if they don’t know what they’re doing… You’ll get better, I can easily promise that. Just don’t give up trying, and let it all go.
Esmerelda Bohème says
This is a terrible feeling to have. how do you cover this up in a group?
Depends on the group. My friends can sometimes tell if I’m trying to cover some despair… but always spot when I go silent, still, and unfocused. They’re very good friends who’ve known me for years. If you’re with some people who only know you as a shy type…
Kinda easy actually. I don’t want to cause my friends to feel despair. Makes it easier to not talk about it very often.
Perpetual Student says
This Is me, sometimes you have to go to events, work related. You can only call out or miss so many. I feel more alone surrounded by people than I do by myself. Either I don’t get the joke or I’m the only one that does. It’s really lonely on this island and I’m sinking.The only reasons I’m still here are my children. Every day two goals, not to kill myself, not to cry.
Peter Watson says
Perpetual Student, I wish I could write or talk with you. I know how hard it is. It IS more lonely in a group of people when you’re depressed. At my worst, my depression tells me it’s what I deserve, that I’m a worthless piece of shit and from there it’s just straight downhill. And that’s when you already feel like you’re at the bottom. Oh, I can feel ever worse? Well that’s fucking great.
I sure don’t want to spout platitudes at you, because I know how worthless that is. I’ll just say, it’s not you, it’s the depression, and you gotta get some help with it. It’s really hard, and there are some shitty docs/counselors/therapists out there, so finding someone good can be tough, but it’s a disease and getting treatment can really help. Meds, therapy, exercise, all of the above. I’m not talking about unicorns and rainbows, I’m just saying there are some things that can make things more bearable. The voice of depression will tell you that you don’t deserve to feel any better. But that motherfucker is a liar.
I don’t have easy answers and I struggle every day. I know what it’s like to recoil from telling one more counselor the same old shit, to hear the same old responses.
I really feel for you. If it helps in any way, I know just what it’s like. It’s terrible.
Perpetual Student says
Every day is a struggle, sometimes to do the most basic things. Other times I soar and it feels effortless. The highs and lows are so bad I try so hard to just push through the bad but sometimes I struggle minute by minute. I feel things too deeply. Depression is just part of it for me, BIpolar is my disease . I’ve done amazing things and others I’m not proud of. I’ve tried meds, since I was a teen, been in hospitals, I’m a crazy fitness athlete and I no longer drink alcohol so that helps a lot at times but some days I really don’t know if I’ll make it. I’ve researched every way I could think of to ensure death and it’s relieving in a sick way, just knowing what the options are. As a chemist I could be really creative and make it physically painless.
But it’s not just me, I have two other people to think about and I’m holding on for them for now. It’s really sad when your seven year old turns to you suddenly and says” I don’t want you to die mommy, ever. I never want you to die. What would I do?” I didn’t know what to say then. I know children are perceptive but that was shocking, guess I’m not hiding it well despite holding down a career and struggling to work through a masters as a single parent. I was acing my classes this summer and then I just stopped getting out of bed when I didn’t have my kids, could’t make it to the office, couldn’t smile, eat, shower,I’d make coffee and never drink it, shades drawn, lawn uncut for weeks in Suburbia. Couldn’t cry, my stomach lurches then. I can’t sleep. I asked for an extension in one class but then never checked for her final response. Couldn’t blame her if she fails me and the other one never replied. Guess I just screwed the masters.
I guess sometimes I feel my down times have caused such consequences that maybe everyone is better off without me. Despite my best efforts, I feel that I’m reaching a deeper low of Dante’s Inferno and no one hears my silent screams. Selfish? I’m really trying, it’s turning me inside out. Great success followed by utter failure and I’m walking a fine line between comfortable career success and getting fired.
I stopped taking the meds, I don’t know why. But I know I’m not well. I don’t know how to do this anymore. Everything hurts so deep inside, I’ve lost most my friends, I think I confuse and scare people. I try to write out a plan of how to fix things but all I get is a blank page, maybe that should be my t shirt.
I don’t want a program, I carve my own path, nothing else would work for me but why is it that I cannot live according to what comes form within, why is that so difficult? I want to be sedated.
Peter Watson says
Hi P. Student,
I know it’s the hardest thing in the world to keep going. But if the meds help, please get back on them. I know what it’s like to feel that depression is an inherent part of oneself, and to just feel flat out fucked. But it’s not your fault. It’s not a character flaw, it’s a disease. You didn’t decide to be bipolar, it’s the hand you were dealt. A really shitty hand.
We can’t just decide to not be depressed. We’d never expect a cancer patient to just decide to not have it; or think a spinal injury patient could just decide to not use their wheelchair, and go for a walk. Depression is a combination of chemical imbalances in the brain & body that modern medicine barely understands.
I understand how fucking rotten it is. When you’re at the bottom, you feel that every decision you made in your life was wrong. But that’s a distortion; so much of what depression tells us is just wrong.
I work in higher ed, so I can tell you that you may have stumbled, but you haven’t screwed your masters. Life happens. There are countless people who struggle to complete advanced degrees, because it’s really hard, and most of them are working. Summer courses are really tough, ‘cos everything is so compressed. I took my first one this summer and it kicked my ass. I’m finally working on a masters, too. God only knows when I get it done.
I left you a comment on your blog, drop me a line if you want. Otherwise, please take care of yourself. You’re exercising and staying away from alcohol, which is really smart. It took me too many times before I figured out alcohol was not my friend.
I’m not going to tell you that things aren’t as bad as they seem, because that’s patronizing as hell and I know it feels like everything is as bad as it can get. When we feel that way, It doesn’t matter whether reality is in fact better than our perceptions, because we can’t get there. Somedays it’s all we can do to put one foot in front of the other. I know what it’s like.
Please take care,
“normal people” or “psychologically and emotionally unchallenged people”? Life is easier when there’s no pressing challenge.
Peter Watson says
Yeah. This was me 4 days ago. Left a business/user’s group meeting my department was hosting, regarding a software upgrade. Sat through the presentation, ate the box lunch, left. Woulda been better to stick around, chit-chat, talk to clients, the vendors, etc, especially given the crisis we’d been through with the upgrade. I just didn’t have it in me. My boss was back from vacation; I’d covered through the crisis, she took the reins back and I felt useless. Hadn’t eaten breakfast, so that made it worse. In fact, shitty blood sugar is a trigger for me, might be for some of you. Staying fueled helps. Once the crash hits, it’s shitville.
Thank you clay for drawing people of different racial backgrounds and getting the features right, instead of just coloring the skin.
Alpha Tauri says
Unlike the woman there, I can still manage to smile or even laugh when with people. I guess I don’t have it that bad. *sigh*