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This simultaneously describes exactly and perfectly why I am so afraid of someone becoming interested in me…while at the same time why the idea of being in a relationship is the dream of a break in the clouds replaced by a far more gentle light. So what do I do? I sit on dating sites and “hope”, but never actually reach out – not because I’m afraid of getting hurt…but because I just know I’m going to hurt someone else.
As always, your work captures things with near-perfection, Clay.
Thank you for the kind words here (and also in deviantART). I understand completely. It’s like after the initial euphoria of meeting someone new the darkness creeps in and you can’t help but living in it, and this time there’s a companion — a person who can’t figure out why you changed and hopes that the change is temporary, while you knowing differently. And you love the person, it’s just that the depression has you in its hold and just makes you a shittier person to deal with.
Lucien Ecneremil says
This is all too familiar. I’m pretty sure this is exactly what my ex-gf went through with me.
depression comix says
Yeah. The cloud creeps back in and before I knew it I was back in the pit but I had an unwitting companion with me. I did this a few times, and to this day I still keep the regret with me.
Lucien Ecneremil says
I’ve experienced that a few times as well, however I was always blind to it until it was too late. Regrets indeed.
“other times I wonder if the second mistake I was to believe I was stronger than his illness” http://t.co/i920PjFIUV by @depressioncomix
Derek Blakely says
Brittany you’re going to want to read this one.
Johanna Manninen says
Yup… not easy for the SO 🙁 And the saddest part is that most of the time you don’t even realise how difficult it is for the other person (until it’s too late) .
This is the fear of my relationship personified.
Michael Furie says
damn, dude. way to hit the nail on the head. I’m afraid this is happening right now. and the more afraid of it I feel, the bigger the cloud gets and the more it seems like it’s going to push him away. I feel completely powerless to make it different. ugh… starting back in therapy Monday. I hope they can help.
Andrew Strong says
Yup. Currently living in regret.
Keith Gottschalk says
So far my wife is stronger than my illness. I’ve never met anyone like her. I would have run.
Jenny Fields says
This is why I sabotage relationships early on. Folks…really…don’t know what they’re getting into.
Anita Medina says
So sad, so true. The pain of making those same two mistakes will never go away.
Erin L. Thunderhorsey says
Michelle Bhoolai says
Patrick Schuster-Wiley says
Sakura Nikita Davis I’m so sorry x'(
Stephane Silverfox Kyle says
Hence why I shun relationships.
Gill Birch de Sebastián says
My husband and best friend was my greatest supporter in life. He never complained about my screwed up self and was never pushy with unwanted advice.
In June, it will be nine years since he died. To me, it seems like nine months, or weeks, or days. My therapist says I suffer from what she calls “complicated” grief.
But losing that pillar of strength, those emotional cushions he put in place for over 37 years, the only person to whom I could really open up is the greatest hurt of all.
Fernanda Ohara says
Feel really sorry for you, Gill. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Wish you all the strength.
Fernanda Ohara says
Just like Keith I’m luck to be with someone who is stronger than my dhystimia. My girlfriend supports me at all times… She makes really want to fight. I’m doing all this for her and my family.
This disease is defenitely a bitch. It isn’t strong as the “major depress”, but let you down almost all the time. Living is boring and hard.
Now I’m on meds and finally I can see some light… For real, even the colors seems brigther.
Really hope more people have the same luck as me and Keith. We all know that life is a eternal and struggle fight.
Peace and love, guys.
Depression often involves a sense of detachment. As you recover, colours seem brighter, food tastes better, and things seem worthwhile again. You start to feel emotions that you forgot about, and gain the freedom to experience them fully.
I so hope this is not how my wife feels about me. That marrying me was a mistake. She asks for more passion and more romance and I am so trying to give her more, but there isn’t a whole lot in me to give.
Valerie…is this how you felt? Is this what you saw?
Lila Zuckerfee says
This sums up my biggest fear for my current long-distance relationship with someone who suffers from depression. Especially now that he’s completely off medication he’s getting depressed again and there seems to be nothing I can do to keep him from falling deeper into it 🙁
Huyen Tran Nguyen says
I relate to this so much. I thought I would be different for him. I really felt like I was his first experience of real love after he had a string of horrible ex-girlfriends. However, his cloud overshadowed our love and he ended things with me when I was willing to accept him and learn about his illness. He didn’t accept his illness. After getting his heart broken over and over by the toxic women he tried to save, he had me who didn’t need to be saved and actually wanted to help save him… He couldn’t focus on fixing someone so his own issues bubbled up, and so he left than facing his issues.
I have to put distance from someone who was the love of my life because he chose to go back into his pattern and got into a new relationship where he felt he could save someone who will save him from his demons. No one can do that for him, and certainly not the kind of women he’s drawn toward. They’re wolves in sheep’s clothing who have hardened his heart to a point where real love is alien to him. I still grieve for him as he’s lost his way, and I can only pray for him, even when I don’t believe in gods.