It’s a rationalization. You know that certain activities should bring you pleasure, but they don’t anymore. This is inconsistent, so you look for an reason. The simplest one is that you don’t deserve to be happy. It’s a lie. The first step I took in overcoming depression was to recognize that these thoughts were irrational, and the second was to reject them.
I can’t tell you how often I wake up crying because I haven’t died in my sleep. Sometimes I am really angry because the only thing holding me back is worry about what my suicide might do to the psyches of my three adult children and my six young grandchildren… even though they don’t really care. Ah, the eldest daughter might be a happy camper thinking about what she will inherit: to this one, I am worth more dead than alive.
Or when you’re not perceiving it. When you can’t experience certain emotions, it’s easy to believe that no one else does either, even though you remember feeling them yourself. It’s yet another lie depression tells you. Don’t believe it.
Week in, week out. Every klutzy stumble, every time I let someone down with my flaws, every time I stuff my foot in my mouth in front of someone fascinating…
I have been dealing with trans* people about this for the last several months, some of whom do not admit to being depressed. Your comics have been a wonderful resource for letting them know they are not alone, and that while there are a lot of depressed trans* people not all depressed people are trans*.
Commentary. I had a lot of these feelings in and out of my depression. It made me hate anything slightly pleasurable because I could not derive pleasure from it, and I rationalized it away by thinking I just did not deserve it. I didn’t deserve to eat, so I shunned food – I survived an entire summer once on lettuce sandwiches (I was under the impression that I did have to eat, but goddamn it I wouldn’t allow myself anything with flavour). I didn’t deserve love so i closed the doors and wouldn’t let myself love or be loved, something I’m still struggling with today. I didn’t deserve fun so I would just pass away time in my apartment like it was my jail cell. Looking back at this this seems like What The Fuck behaviour, which is what it was, but at the time when I was enveloped in the pain it seemed I was out to punish myself as much as I could.
At some point I had convinced myself that I since I didn’t deserve pleasure that I deserved pain. Since there was no one else in my head telling me how wrong this was I accepted this as true and began work on this. I was falling down the slippery slope that would inevitably lead to my own destruction. But it begins when you start to erase pleasure from your life, giving you nothing to live for and suddenly before you realize it you conclude that there is no reason to live.
It’s been a while since I’ve been down that road but I know it’s there, and I know other people know it too. For those who have never suffered depression, it’s hard to explain that period when all your rationalizations for living seem to slip between your fingers and you are left with emptiness to which you surrender to and let it consume you entirely.
This & the previous are making me weep like a bitch today. You seriously nail all this. Too bad anyone I show these to still wouldn’t even attempt to understand.
Although I haven’t been depressed, I really relate to this. I went through a bad time in which I felt I didn’t deserve food etc and I couldn’t say why either, I don’t think anyone else has ever said they’ve felt this way to me, so thank you!!
But *I* can explain why I deserve death. Hooray for rationalisation!
Так http://t.co/RD3enpLSgy http://t.co/IkbkmjFsmK
Thank you for your work. Relating to your characters… is both disconcerting, and very helpful.
I was honestly just thinking stuff like this
Yep, sounds like me. But I need to add some compulsive worrying, and then it’s spot on.
This. These are some of the top ten lies depression tells you.
It’s a rationalization. You know that certain activities should bring you pleasure, but they don’t anymore. This is inconsistent, so you look for an reason. The simplest one is that you don’t deserve to be happy. It’s a lie. The first step I took in overcoming depression was to recognize that these thoughts were irrational, and the second was to reject them.
I’ve been relating to this one hard the past couple weeks. Another top notch effort Clay.
“220” yes this http://t.co/dwVpkQT8qG
I can’t tell you how often I wake up crying because I haven’t died in my sleep. Sometimes I am really angry because the only thing holding me back is worry about what my suicide might do to the psyches of my three adult children and my six young grandchildren… even though they don’t really care. Ah, the eldest daughter might be a happy camper thinking about what she will inherit: to this one, I am worth more dead than alive.
man I know these feelings…
It’s easier to believe you don’t deserve love when you’re not receiving it.
Or when you’re not perceiving it. When you can’t experience certain emotions, it’s easy to believe that no one else does either, even though you remember feeling them yourself. It’s yet another lie depression tells you. Don’t believe it.
The point is if you are like this you often can’t tell if you ARE receiving it. and even if you are you can’t understand why.
Week in, week out. Every klutzy stumble, every time I let someone down with my flaws, every time I stuff my foot in my mouth in front of someone fascinating…
I have been dealing with trans* people about this for the last several months, some of whom do not admit to being depressed. Your comics have been a wonderful resource for letting them know they are not alone, and that while there are a lot of depressed trans* people not all depressed people are trans*.
This comic, and Something Positive are the only things on the internet I can remotely relate to.
Commentary. I had a lot of these feelings in and out of my depression. It made me hate anything slightly pleasurable because I could not derive pleasure from it, and I rationalized it away by thinking I just did not deserve it. I didn’t deserve to eat, so I shunned food – I survived an entire summer once on lettuce sandwiches (I was under the impression that I did have to eat, but goddamn it I wouldn’t allow myself anything with flavour). I didn’t deserve love so i closed the doors and wouldn’t let myself love or be loved, something I’m still struggling with today. I didn’t deserve fun so I would just pass away time in my apartment like it was my jail cell. Looking back at this this seems like What The Fuck behaviour, which is what it was, but at the time when I was enveloped in the pain it seemed I was out to punish myself as much as I could.
At some point I had convinced myself that I since I didn’t deserve pleasure that I deserved pain. Since there was no one else in my head telling me how wrong this was I accepted this as true and began work on this. I was falling down the slippery slope that would inevitably lead to my own destruction. But it begins when you start to erase pleasure from your life, giving you nothing to live for and suddenly before you realize it you conclude that there is no reason to live.
It’s been a while since I’ve been down that road but I know it’s there, and I know other people know it too. For those who have never suffered depression, it’s hard to explain that period when all your rationalizations for living seem to slip between your fingers and you are left with emptiness to which you surrender to and let it consume you entirely.
This & the previous are making me weep like a bitch today. You seriously nail all this. Too bad anyone I show these to still wouldn’t even attempt to understand.
Although I haven’t been depressed, I really relate to this. I went through a bad time in which I felt I didn’t deserve food etc and I couldn’t say why either, I don’t think anyone else has ever said they’ve felt this way to me, so thank you!!
I just thought like that a couple of minutes before I saw this.
this is me every day. i don’t deserve anything