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I’ve been reading your comics for the past hour and this one honestly broke me. I cannot begin to express how much I needed to read your comics. I feel like I’m wallowing in self pity by reading these comics and yet, I’m so grateful that all of these feelings of mine are understood and validated. I feel alone and yet .. I don’t. Thank you.
I hated hearing people bring out that line, the “don’t say that, it hurts me because I love you”. If I could have stopped thinking those things I would have, I knew they were painful for my loved ones to hear, but that comment felt like I was being shut out, because it hurt them too much to hear. All it meant was that I then couldn’t talk to that person honestly about my pain. They could tell me to stop saying bad things about myself all they wanted, all that happened was that I stopped saying them and felt even more alone.
I’ve gotten that line pretty much verbatim from my girlfriend. What’s worse is that she has a degree in Human Ecology (double major in Family Studies and Religious Studies), and has even recommended that I read one of her old counseling textbooks. She keeps telling me that she can’t understand how I feel despite having pretty much majored in how I feel; I can’t help but think that maybe she ought to at least know what hearing those lines does to my head. She keeps saying I need to get better “for me”-I’ve told her explicitly that I don’t feel like I’m valuable enough to do it for myself, that if I ever get better it’ll be because I had the motivation of living for someone else. At least now, thanks to this comic, I have another line I can use to try to get what’s going on across.
My SO guilt-trips me with this all the fucking time, usually while crying. I hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT. If I didn’t need their support to not be starving to death in the streets, I’d have left the first time they pulled that shit. And yes, I do feel like a liar and an impostor every time I tell my SO, “I love you,” because I HATE THEM FOR INSULTING MY LOVE.