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Boy do I ever relate to this one. 🙁
I volunteer and am studying to work in social work… and this is spot-on. I don’t know if I even have depression, but I relate to this thought process exactly – this feeling that I’m just “pretending” to be a good person, or that I’m doing it for selfish reasons. Sometimes I think the “high” I get from helping others offsets depressing feelings. When I overthink it I just feel worse, not better.
I have this one Bad. It’s a constant mental battle not only to Be a good person, but to assess my reasoning and thought processes on it. If it gets brought up at all, or if I think about it even immediately after doing it, I start questioning my own motives and hitting that downward spiral.
I try to get around this one by saying “acting good is being good.” Intention means nothing.
But when somebody who I can’t help but trust points out something that indicates I might actually be a better person than I believe, or when I’m confronted with incontrovertible evidence, I get a headache and start to cry.
Could be worse, I guess. When the pain comes on, I more or less just press my face against the boulder and keep pushing. “There is no destiny that cannot be surmounted by scorn.”
I will not be beaten by self-loathing. I may take the occasional break from my struggle, but every time I weather that pain, I call it a win.
you wish to do something honestly but you still feel like you are doing it for the “likes” and not from your honest heart ….